Grieving During “Happy New Year” Days
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When You’re Not Feeling the “Happy New Year” Spirit
Time can stand still when you’re grieving. Days turn into nights and weeks, and you find you’re still grieving.
Maybe you have optimistic times, thwarted by pessimistic ones. Maybe you are so confused as to what and how you’re supposed to be doing that you’re just stuck.
Then, here comes the BIG NEW YEAR’S HOLIDAY that seemingly everyone seems to prepare for and celebrate. All this, while you still want to crawl under the covers.
A New Year — A New You?
So, what can you do when you find the world around you filled with exclamations of Happy New Year and suggestions offering up the possibility of a new and happy year and a “new” you?
You may want to shout back, “No. It’s a NEW YEAR, SAME ME.” and tell them to just leave you alone.
You’re not in the mood right now to plan exotic adventures, get impressive new jobs or find the love of your life.
For grievers, it can be daunting to see a whole new year stretching out in front of them. It’s scary to think that the new year may not feel much better than the previous one.
If you’re feeling gloomy and isolated, you may not be alone with those feelings this year.
Even those who are not grieving the death of a loved one, are living with the losses and isolation as the aftermath of the pandemic, and the loss of community and togetherness.
A New Year Can Bring New Feelings
No matter where you are in your grief process, the arrival of a new year may feel very “charged” and “emotional” for you. Consider the following thoughts.
If your loss was recent, sudden, or unexpected, you might experience it as a shock, as if you're living a bad dream or someone else's life, trying desperately to get back to your “old” life. The last thing on your mind might be the challenge of a new year.
As your grief moves in time, you’ll at some point, believe that it’s necessary to look at the new year with interest and wonderment about what it could be like. You may actually want to open the new year for change.
Give yourself a mental rest. Acknowledge that YOU HAD A REALLY HARD YEAR. Take a little time out for yourself to do even something small that makes you feel alive.
Consider starting the year off by getting the support you deserve as you grieve. Find a bereavement support group or a grief counselor, and start to do the work of healing and recovery.
Don’t make a New Year’s resolution to be less sad. People often think they want to “quit grieving” at the beginning of the year. And then, they are more upset when the resolution is broken. And “sad” isn’t really something you can turn off with the flip of switch, after a loved one dies.
It’s normal to feel even more alone on New Year’s as you watch others celebrating and making plans for the new year with great gusto. When you’re grieving, there is a poignancy to the notion of time, and New Year’s can be a cold reminder of its passage.
Allow yourself some “alone” time to grieve. Let grief be a part of your New Year. You can return to celebrations another year, when you are more ready.Don’t worry yourself with the typical resolutions to eat right, exercise more, start journaling, be more organized, or whatever you may have done in the past. Resolve this year to honor your feelings and allow grief to be one of them.
This year, your grief is an opportunity to honor the relationship with your deceased loved one. So, handle yourself and your grief with gentle care.THE YEAR OF LETTING GO: This could be your year of letting go of all the expectations you’ve put upon yourself. You won’t ever let go of your love for the deceased, but to begin to heal, you need to let go of the idea that your life can remain the same as it was prior to the death of your loved one.
When you start judging your grieving process (too much, too little, too mad, too sad, etc), let go and understand that whatever you are feeling at that time is normal and natural. You will feel different ways until at some point, you adjust to your “new normal.”
New Year Grieving Resource
If you want to make New Year’s resolutions as you grieve, here is an article from whatsyourgrief.com with 64 tips on new year’s grief resolutions.
Also, I’d like to suggest you read this. Claire Bidwell Smith, author of the book Anxiety, The Missing Stage of Grief, shares her perspective on grieving in the new year.
Don’t give up.
The first day of the new year will come, and the anticipation will be over.
You’ll continue living, and your grief will still be doing what it does, and your hope of healing will still be within sight.
Get Support While Grieving and Start Healing
If one of your resolutions is healing from the loss of a loved one, with the support of individual grief counseling, email me at jillgriefcounselor@gmail.com or visit www.jillgriefcounselor.com.
