Holiday Grief: Don’t Forget to Support Grieving Children
5 Minute Read
Do Not Forget The Children This Holiday Season
When it comes to bereavement, a lot of attention is directed towards adults. Remember one thing, though…
Children are the forgotten grievers.
Don’t think for a minute that children are not grieving the loss of their loved one even though it may appear that way. Holidays and other days are just as hard for children as they are for adults. While adults tend to settle into their grief and stay there for a while, children grieve in spurts.
A little grief at a time is all they can handle, and then they re-engage in other activities. Don’t confuse their ability to shift quickly into an energetic or more fun activity with a lack of grief and the processing and feelings around it.
Ways to Support Grieving Children
With this in mind, here are some ways to help the grieving children in your life:
It’s important to talk with children about the holiday season. Children grieve on their own timetable and in their own way, so whether they show it or not, they are very attuned to loss and “first” holidays and absences of the “normal”. Talk openly with children about their feelings and expectations. Ask what kinds of activities or rituals they think are important.
Discuss your family’s holiday traditions and how they will be observed this year. Some children want holiday customs to stay the same. Some traditions are comforting ones, while others are too hard for a child to imagine wanting to continue. When you are choosing which traditions stay and which traditions go, consider your child’s feelings as well. Then, share your decisions before the changes occur.
It’s OK for this year to be different. Many families make new traditions that are very special. Any attempt to create a perfect holiday celebration while you are in “grief mode,” will cause you (and the children) unnecessary stress.
If finances have decreased, buy fewer gifts. If appetites or the energy for cooking are low, go out to eat or bring food in. Kids can feel the stresses of adults. New traditions can be easier, and even exciting.
Don’t pretend the death didn’t occur. No one forgets that someone they love is missing. Ignoring the absence of the deceased loved one will be confusing to a child who is already disoriented by the death. Talk together about how you both feel, and how you miss your loved one.
Ask children how they would like to remember their special person during the holidays. It could be …. making a holiday decoration using photos of their special person, writing a letter to put in the deceased person’s stocking, letting the child set a place at the dinner table for their loved one, or saying something special while lighting the Hanukkah menorah. There are so many ways to incorporate people and memories into family gatherings.
Try to stick to routines, along with allowing for some flexibility. Grieving children benefit from a normal routine, but the holidays alone can disrupt schedules. You can try to balance their regular schedule with an awareness of what they need in the moment.
Make holiday plans that help your child feel nurtured, emotionally safe, and comfortable. Laughter, play, and joy are good for children. Children do not grieve continuously; they need to take breaks from grieving. Encourage your child to play, run, and do the recreational activities he or she would normally do. Clown around – be silly, even if it seems impossible.
Clown around – be silly, even if it seems impossible.
Encourage your child to attend holiday functions. Accept invitations to holiday parties and activities, especially if the event includes time with supportive family members and friends.
Pay close attention to your child’s emotional condition. Watch how your child responds to events. Be ready to support and comfort your child. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting to your child or may jolt his or her emotions. Let your child express the happiness and the sadness.
Care. Care for each other. Care for yourself by eating, exercising and sleeping well so that you can more easily provide care and attention to your child.
Closeness. Stay close to your children through daily talks or activities. One of the best places to get a child to talk is in the car. You may end up with a healthy discussion about the things their loved one liked about the holidays.
The Mindfulness and Grief Institute provides 7 ways for helping kids during the holidays.
Additionally, an article in the Washington Post uses real-life examples of situations in which children’s needs are misunderstood by their parents and how grief during the holidays can be handled with better sensitivity through communicating and involving the children.
Make Time For a Break
No matter how this holiday season ends up for you, give yourself a break. Know that you did your best for yourself and for the children too.
To my readers, I wish you a peaceful time in the coming days.
To see if you or your children would benefit from grief counseling, download one or both of my free handouts below.
Email or call for a complimentary consultation.
Visit www.jillgriefcounselor.com or email me at jillgriefcounselor@gmail.com.
